Project Internship Report

Voices Amidst Conflict: Gay Men in Northern Ireland Project Internship Research Report

Introduction

The sex researcher Alfred Kinsey broke the ground for research into homosexuality in 1948 with Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, which indicated that sexual experiences between males was more common than previously thought. He believed that sexuality was a fluid concept and that individuals fell on a measurable scale factoring heterosexuality with homosexuality. Studies such as this began to question long held societal views regarding homosexuality, with further research being pursued. The emerging scientific evidence helped gays and lesbians establish a movement to expand visibility. In the 1970s studies started to deemphasize pathological causation and instead treat homosexuality as a distinct identity. The search for a model upon which identity formation in homosexuals could be explained became the focus. Two models of sexual identity formation became accepted theories, the first of Cass, with a more recent proposal by Kaufmann-Johnson.

In 1979, Vivienne Cass proposed a six stage model of homosexual identity formation, based on several previously considered models. The model held that there were six specific stages in the formation of a homosexual identity: identity confusion, identity comparison, identity tolerance, identity acceptance, identity pride, and identity synthesis. Individuals would go through the process, the end goal of which was to firmly accept the identity. In 1984 she published a paper, Homosexual Identity Formation, in which she documented the results of a qualitative study. The purpose of which was to establish the validity of the Cass model. Her conclusion held that the six stage model was valid for four of the stages, and that specific distinctions between the stages were identifiable.

Joanne Kaufman and Carolyn Johnson questioned the usefulness of models unique to LGBTI populations, believing that the model proposed by Cass was too linear and narrow in scope. In 2004 Kaufman & Johnson published Stigmatized Individuals and the Process of Identity, in which they proposed that sociological models based on situational interactionism, reflected appraisal and situational identity negotiation theories were better suited to account for LGBTI experience, without the need for a community specific model. They suggested that identity formation was an active and continual process encompassing diversity of background, the social environment, personal self-view, and peer interaction. They further introduced the notion that gay relationships were one of the most important influences on identity formation. Their study attempted to demonstrate that these sociological frameworks explained the breadth of experience and outcome more than the traditional models.

While research into sexual identity formation is readily available, there has been little research done on how said identity formation might differ given the exposure to sectarian conflict. Literature particular to sectarian conflict in the case of Northern Ireland has been constrained to the main protagonists during “the Troubles” (the name given to three decades of violence over the geo-political status of Northern Ireland from 1968-1998) and includes such rich scholarship as Brian M. Walker’s A Political History of the Two Irelands: From Partition to Peace (2012) and Steve Bruce’s Paisley: Religion and Politics in Northern Ireland (2009). Yet, little research focuses specifically on the experiences of sexual minorities who were part of these torn communities – both Protestant and Catholic. Some ethnographic work has been done such as Marian Duggan’s Queering Conflict: Exploring Lesbian and Gay Experiences of Homophobia in Northern Ireland (2011), which focused on the specific issue of homophobia, and Paul Ryan’s Coming Out, Fitting In: The Personal Narratives of Some Gay Irish Men (2003) which is limited to date from only four interviews and included the entire island of Ireland in his sampling.

Voices Amidst Conflict sought to broaden the existing scholarship through a qualitative ethnographic study that collected and examined the experiences of gay men in Belfast, Northern Ireland to explore sexual identity formation in the atmosphere of sectarian conflict. Storytelling has a rich tradition in Northern Irish culture, and it was through oral histories that the experiences of gay men in Belfast were gathered and maintained, keeping intact the constructs of their own recollections. The project had two goals. First, to compile and archive for the historical record the individual experiences of gay men before, during, and after “The Troubles;” and second, to use these interviews to determine how the coming out process is influenced given sectarian conflict. The project is being conducted within the Cultural Studies paradigm using the interdisciplinary approaches of History, Political Science and Social Work to understand the powerful cultural forces facing gay men during the troubles.

Methodology
Elements of the Project

The project entailed a qualitative ethnographic study involving 48 self-identifying homosexual men, and received approval by Weber State University’s Institute Review Board. Participation was voluntary with invitation based on self-identification as a gay male over the age of 18. Additional restrictions on participations imposed by WSU’s IRB was that none could be exhibiting signs of dementia or other cognitive impairment. Initial participants were identified with the assistance of Belfast’s Rainbow Project using availability sampling. This involved a list of potential individuals, members of Rainbow Project’s staff and volunteer team, and attending several LGBTI organisation social events including the Out n About Walking Club, Queer Space (Belfast drop-in center), Derry drop-in center, Gay Lesbian Youth Network Northern Ireland, and a GUM STI Clinic Drop-in. Additional methods involved snowball sampling using the social networks of initial participants. Participants were grouped into 4 age brackets: (a) 18-25, (b) 26-39, (c) 40-59, and (d) 60 and over designed to represent the four periods of “the Troubles:” pre-violence, violent era, political negotiation, and modern era. Semi-structured interviews of one to two hour duration was the means to gather the data. During the course of the study, a field journal was kept by the researcher to record observations, personal feelings, and commentary on the population being studied with portions of it released on a public blog.

Because of the expansive nature of the task of tracking down and interviewing participants, it was necessary to travel to Northern Ireland, spending four months living amongst the population. Housing was found within the Lower Ormeau neighborhood near Queens University in the south side of the city. This neighborhood was once a Nationalist-Republican enclave but in recent years has become populated by a diverse number of ethnic groups including Roma, Polish, Romanian, Chinese, Slovakian, etc. The researcher ended up living with two housemates who represented different religious and political identities, one being a Nationalist Catholic from Derry, the other a Protestant from Dundalk.

Internship

Important to the project was gaining entry to the LGBTI community of Northern Ireland, which was facilitated by an internship conducted at TRP, Northern Ireland’s LGB&T support and advocacy organisation. During the length of fifteen weeks, approximately 225 volunteer hours were served in the role of Project Development Officer under the direction of TRP’s Sexual Health Development Officer in the capacity of providing ongoing office and administrative support by answering phones, meeting and greeting service users, coordinating and supporting volunteers and undertaking community outreach. Some of the particulars included maintaining sexual testing inventory levels, assisting in presenting a sexual orientation awareness training for teacher training at the University of Ulster, Coleraine, registering clients at a Sexual Health Screening clinic offered, working four nights delivering sexual health information with the Outreach team, and overseeing a weekly volunteer night responsible for putting together safer sex packs for distribution to clients and by the Outreach team. In addition to gaining access to potential participants, the researcher was able to gain a deeper understanding of the nuances of health related issues for the LGBT community in Northern Ireland (more specifically around sexual health and HIV which remains a large issue for many LGBT people).

Project Supervision

Project was supervised through frequent distance contact between the author and three main faculty mentors: Dr. Kathryn MacKay, Professor of History, Dr. Corina Segovia-Tadehara, Professor of Social Work, and Dr. Richard Price, Professor of Political Science. Additionally, contacts with two other faculty advisors were maintained unofficially, Dr. Carol McNamara, Director of the Walker Institute, who oversaw the internship conducted; and Dr. Barrett Bonella, Professor of Social Work, who advised on the project methodology.
Interview Development and Pilot Testing

Interview questions were designed to target specific data from participants: demographics and conditions of childhood, exposure to the troubles, development of sexual identity, external environmental presence of support conditions favorable to coming up gay, resiliency factors, and details of participant’s life today. The questions were developed with the consultation of researcher’s above stated mentors, two of TRP’s mental counselors (both of whom have expertise in working with Northern Ireland’s LGBTI and are accredited members of the British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy), and Dr. Paul McCold, a personal friend with experience in conducting research in the field of Restorative Justice and Conferencing. The interview questions underwent pilot testing with two pilot participants (referred to as P.P.#) in late January. Feedback from the pilot testing was minor, and resulted in slight tailoring of the order of the questions. Because the data attained from the two pilot interviews corresponded with the data hoped for, it was decided that the pilot testing was sufficient.

Data Collection Process

Active interviewing began on February 1st. Participant’s were interviewed individually in facilities provided by TRP in Belfast and Londonderry/Derry, with one interview conducted in a public house, and one conducted at the participant’s home (participant was a TRP volunteer and known by the interviewer). Researcher followed protocols restricting interviews of unknown participants in their personal homes.

Each one of the participants were treated in the exact same manner: participants were offered a refreshment such as coffee or tea and were given a brief overview of the project. They were then walked through the filling out of a WSU Oral History Interview Agreement Form outlining legal disclaimers and determining restrictions placed on the audio and transcript. Participants were offered the chance to both review audio/transcript and receive final copies after processing. They were then shown two things (See Appendix A):

A modified Cass Sexual Identity Formation Scale listing each stage and description. This was taken from Cass’ 1979 study and updated with TRP’s Sexual Health Development Officer to reflect modern terminology and local usage. As Cass’ original results showed little difference in respondents in Stage 1 and Stage 2, both were combined for the use of this project. The participant was told that one of these stages should best describe where they felt they were in their lives today. They were also told that no one stage would be one-hundred percent accurate, and each stage would have items that applied and did not apply.

The researcher then left the room, giving the participant five minutes to familiarise themselves with the two documents. When researcher returned, the participant was advised to refrain from using personal identifiers such as names; that naming particular neighborhoods was important given how radically change within Northern Ireland but based on their own comfort level; that they were welcome to name political parties, politicians, and other well known persons in the media. Participant was finally assured that this was their own personal narrative and they were welcome to take me on their own journey, and to use whatever language they were comfortable with, and to notify the researcher if they became uncomfortable with a question or particular line of inquiry. The interview was then begun, with the researcher sitting directly opposite.

While interview questions were developed to facilitate the data required, because the over arching goal of the project was to use oral history format to preserve the narratives, participants were encouraged to take the interviews in the direction they wanted to share, with the expectation that the interviewer would steer them back if there was a direction he felt important. While it was attempted to maintain the same rough structure of the interview, this was not possible as a consequence of the unique experiences that the participants brought. Some were more heavily exposed to the troubles than others, and sub prompts greatly varied from person to person. Older participants tended to self-direct their own recollections, while younger participants tended to rely heavily on interviewer prompting sticking strictly to the format.

The validation interviews were completed 30th March, 2014. Interviews of the comparison group, gay men who grew up LDS in LDS dominated communities, will be gathered the second week of may. The interviews for this group will be conducted in the same manner as the validation set, with the exception being that participants will not have exposure to sectarian conflict. This will be a much smaller group, made up of eight individuals, two from each age bracket.

Research Roadblocks, Unanticipated Issues, and Deviations from Initial Planning

Several unanticipated problems were encountered during the actual operational phases of the project. These were minor concerns dealing with logistics, rather than data integrity and appear to have been natural hurdles akin to the researcher’s skill level. Four different issues were encountered.

Firstly, the interviews were planned to take a maximum of an hour, which was found during pilot-testing to be inadequate and potentially extending to an hour-and-half. This was again needed to be extended to a potential two-and-half hours time period. The reasons for the extended interview times emerged to differ depending on the participants age and their exposure to the troubles. Those who were older had both more exposure as well as a longer life story in general. Younger participants were as brief as fourteen minutes (the shortest interview), with the longest taking two-and-half hours. This was based on how co-operative and forthcoming the participants were in their answers. The only issue this played on the project itself were the first two interviews who happened to be scheduled back to back (having assumed two hour time slots). As the participants were a couple, the second participant was more than willing to re-schedule. No further scheduling conflicts occurred throughout the project.

In addition to the length of interviews being relative to life experience, length was also influenced by occasional participants who would ‘hi-jack’ the interview. These were individuals who in addition to having many experiences to share, also had more complicated life stories and had the potential to ramble or go on circuitous tangents. While every effort was made by the researcher to reign the participants in and get them back on track, this often proved difficult with the researcher’s level of interview experience. Some of the data accordingly may not relate to the project being studied, but does provide an interesting commentary on part of the LGB&T Community in Northern Ireland.

Because the length of the interviews was on the whole longer than anticipated, the time needed for transcription was greatly underestimated. Not only were the interviews longer, the transcription work itself was underestimated. Instead of a normal one hour interview taking approximately three hours, an hour long interview instead took about six hours to transcribe. This brought about a level of frustration due to the necessity of extending timelines by about a month, just because of the transcription process. Timelines for completing the project entirely is now anticipated to be at the end of May, 2014.

The final hurdle encountered within the project was the lack of availability of gay identifying participants over the age of 65 (the fourth age bracket). By mid-February it became apparent that this demographic would simply not be attainable. Upon consulting with my mentors it was decided that changing the older two age brackets to 40 to 59, and 60+ would not have a significant impact on the data. While those aged 65+ would have experienced much more of the atmosphere pre-troubles, data obtained from one individual who was 68 and the others in their sixties showed little difference to warrant an exclusive look at such a high age bracket. Once age brackets were adjusted, the desired quotas were able to fit within timelines for completing the interview process.

Discussion on Initial Indications

The 48 main participants came from a vast demographic, representative of a wide swath of Northern Irish society. All of the individuals were self-identified gay men, with the majority reporting stage 6 on the Cass Sexual Identity Formation Scale (while Cass' development model is seen to be problematic in the modern sense for its linear nature as well as lack of applicability in the changed evolution of acceptance of gays, for a conservative society and in particular Northern Ireland, I believe that the model is useful in screening those who are early on their journey of sexual development and whose potential exhibitors of factors associated with problematic sexual identity formation are actually due to immature development as opposed to problematic development). Regarding this figure, 35 reported as stage six (the final stage), 1 in between five and six, and 4 in stage five. Only 7 participants reported in being in a lower stage, with the lowest stage reported being 3.

Participants fell into 4 age brackets (18-25, 26-39, 40-59, 60+) to correspond with being in early adulthood during one of the four eras of modern Northern Irish history: pre-troubles (12 respondents), early troubles (11 respondents), late troubles (13 respondents), and post political agreement (12 respondents). These respondents were ranked on a 5 point scale referring to their exposure to the thirty year period of violence known as "The Troubles" (1969-1998) with zero being the least exposed and 4 having the maximum exposure (4's were given based upon frequent exposure to civil unrest and/or victimization). Ranking on this scale was determined by Interviewer based upon participant responses. Of the total number of participants, 58% reported recollections of significant exposure. As was expected, the older age brackets had higher exposure than the lower age brackets with most in the youngest age bracket being assigned 1. For older participants, the exposure varied depending on what neighborhood the individual grew up in or career paths taken (3 respondents in particular experienced maximum exposure as a consequence of one having been a member of the Royal Ulster Constabulary/RUC, one a member of the British Army who served several tours of duty in Northern Ireland, and one a member of a paramilitary organization).

Geographically, 44 of the respondents grew up in Northern Ireland, with the rest growing up in England and the Republic of Ireland (The English respondent and one of the republic of Ireland participants moved to Northern Ireland at the beginning of the troubles to find work and stayed; The two other Republic participants were born near the border with Northern Ireland and spent time on both sides). Of those raised in Northern Ireland, 22 are from County Antrim (15 of which from Belfast), 11 from County Down, 8 from County Londonderry, 2 from County Tyrone, and 1 unspecified (Counties Fermanagh and Armagh fielded 0 participants).

As to the faith community of the participants, 20 were raised Catholic, 21 Protestant, 4 with no religious identification, 1 mixed (both Catholic and Protestant), and 2 not stating any religious background growing up. Protestants represented a diverse number of faiths with 6 Presbyterian, 1 Christian, 4 Church of Ireland/Anglican, 1 Christadelphian, and 1 Plimouth Brethren, 3 unspecified Protestants, and 5 mixed Protestant faiths (person was either raised with two different faiths simultaneously, or families converted among different sects at different times).

This research is exploratory and in many ways ground breaking. It is difficult to anticipate any outcomes of the research beyond a belief that overall generalities and patterns in the coming out experiences will be similar with some possible differences in the narratives of those raised with different religious affiliations. Marie Duggan found in her research that some variation existed and offered an explanation of Catholic emphasis on action versus Protestant emphasis on identification (2011, p. 80-81). There is also some anticipation of differences in the narratives of those raised rurally rather than in urban settings.

Most of the participants appeared to be healthy, with few of them currently experiencing any factors such as alcoholism, drug addiction, inability to form and maintain platonic relationships, and so forth. A portion of participants did have some alcohol and drug abuse at earlier points of their lives, but this appear to be related to other coinciding conditions such as mental disorders, and in two individual’s case, severe PTSD related to atypical victimisation (one was a former paramilitary the other was physically forced to leave town by a paramilitary group on accusations he had made unwanted sexual advances). There is another portion of individuals who did report some inability to form stable romantic relationships, however this will need to await the final analysis to see where it fits in relation to age, and presence of the afore mentioned factors. On the whole, the individuals who participated in the study were happy, well adjusted gay men, many of which were in either paired or long term dating relationships that they described favorably.

At this juncture of the project the interviews are still in process of finishing transcription and being coded for analysis and as such conclusive results are pending. That being said, the above observations and initial impressions from the researcher based upon the hearing of the initial interviews leads the researcher to preliminarily venture that it would appear that sectarian conflict does not have a direct link to causing problematic sexual identity formation. However, most, if not all did exhibit problematic sexual identity formation at some point in their early stages of their formation. This appeared to clear up once the participant was able to address and rectify what the particular road block in their development was (some it was a conflict with faith, some family expectations, others their employment). Once the intervention was introduced, most of the participants responded favorably enough to continue their journey of sexual identity formation. This was similar among participants who had both little exposure to the troubles, and those who had a significant amount of exposure. Had the actual basis of the blockage in their identity formation been attributed to their exposure to sectarian conflict, it is doubtful that the participants would have been as responsive to the said interventions.

It is the researcher’s opinion that the causation of problematic sexual identity formation is more correctly to be attributed to living in a conservative society, which it is hoped will be supported by appearing equally in the LDS raised comparison populations. If sectarianism can be thought to have any impact on sexual identity formation it is probably as a consequence of sectarianism fostering a conservative society. For thirty years, from 1969 to 1998, Northern Ireland remained a rigidly conservative society, which only let up once militarization ended and outside elements began to feel safe in the province. To clarify, while sectarianism is a factor that can contribute to sexual identity formation through maintaining a conservative society, it however is only a factor.

Conclusion

Sexual identity formation is still relatively not well understood, and as Kaufman believed, not a linear process. That process is vast and varies based on a variety of interconnected factors, which may be complicated by the presence of sectarianism. Sectarianism however does not seem to effect an individual’s sexual identity formation any more significantly than it does all other aspects of their life and environment. That will change from person to person, based on the quality of life and the physical and emotional safety factors which have been a foundation of Abraham Maslow’s work in his hierchy of needs.

This project is significant in it’s breadth and scope. While it can not necessarily be applied to all individuals in Northern Ireland who identify as gay, the very scope indicates that the findings here are well representative of that demographic. In addition to a fascinating look into sectarianism and how it relates to sexual identity formation, this project has gathered data in regards to other aspects of the Northern Irish gay experience.

Political affiliation and voting habits is one such area. Most gay men expressed dissatisfaction with the political system and that none of the established parties represent their views. This was consistent across the political backgrounds of the participants, whether green or orange.

“In Northern Ireland, I sometimes doubt the ability of the people of Northern Ireland to elect people who are suitable to govern. I genuinely do not believe that the people who are current ministers in Stormont are capable of being ministers.” - Participant 2

While Colleen Steenkamp's Culture of Violence theory did not seem to apply towards many aspects of public perception of gays (i.e., gays did not seem singled out for homophobic attacks any worse than other places), there are other aspects of life where this could very well be observed, such as within the education system. Recent allegations of abuse (both sexual, emotional and physical) within the Catholic Church have portrayed an often brutal environment. Participant 35 went into some of the intimidation he experienced.

“When violence is done that’s bad enough, but when violence is done in the name of God for your own good, it sort of doesn’t work. It’s just a contradiction of terms. Here’s a God of love, but just to make sure, we’re gonna batter you stupid. So, you’se understand the God of love, you know?"

Yet another theme that was consistently seen is that the Troubles effected the poorer working class neighborhoods the worst. Most paramilitaries were recruited from such neighborhoods as a reaction to a feeling of helplessness. While upper class had political outlets, the working class often saw violence as their only way of being heard and forcing change.

“The only people who are in jail are working class. And Republicans were the same. The only people who were open, working class, were Republicans. And ye sat and you looked at them, you went, “He came from Ballymurphy. He came from Turflodge. And, his Dad was a brookie.” 
- Participant 47

Emigration, the great tragedy of the island of Ireland, both north and south, was echoed by many of the participants. A significant number of the younger participants expressed their desire to emigrate, either finding Northern Ireland too provincial or few opportunities for them. Participant three expressed ambivalence in not knowing whether to go or stay:

"I suppose the biggest stress for me at the minute is whether I want to keep living here...I sort of, I almost feel as if it’s too small for me. That the things that people care about here are, are almost insignificant to me. And whether or not I am more suited to living somewhere else. But, also, you know, as an Irish person, I’m very aware of the legacy of Irish people leaving Ireland, and the damage that has done to the country. So, it’s always, it’s almost a sense of if you leave, it’s almost, like, giving up. Giving up on Ireland. I don’t know. Something I’ll probably be thinking about for another couple of years, anyway."

It is my hope that this research will spur others to look into issues such as these, not only within the LGBTI community, but also within Northern Ireland in general. Research is only useful if it either galvanizes further inquiry or culminates in a final, useful product, and it is the researcher’s opinion that this research accomplishes both. Not only has significant inquiry been made into a little known area of conflict studies, but the life stories and history of gay men who lived during the Troubles in Northern Ireland, has now been recorded and preserved. During the course of the researcher’s time in Northern Ireland he has engaged and met with some of the most resilient and amazing persons he has had the honor to meet. He has also had the chance to observe, question, analyze the going ons first hand of a society in the stage post-political reconciliation, speaking with not only LGBTI society, but with a wide expanse of individuals across the province.

It has been a remarkable ride.

The first Demographic Returns on the project

Onto the next phase of my project. On March 30, I successfully concluded my 48th interview, bringing an end to the interviewing and data collection phase. Now, on to the coding and data entry, allowing me to be able to tabulate some basic demographics and verifying some initial conclusions. The transcription part of the project is a bugger, and has expanded from my initial projections to 4 times the amount of labour needed. It will probably be well into May before I have a final master transcript to present. Which is fine, because comparison group interviews won't be completed until the second week in May.

The participants come from a wide range of backgrounds and experiences. Here are the first returns on demographics of the participants:

48 gay men were interviewed between February 1st and March 30th. All of the individuals were self-identified gay men, with the majority reporting stage 6 on the Cass Sexual Identity Formation Scale (while Cass' development model is seen to be problematic in the modern sense for its linear nature as well as lack of applicability in the changed evolution of acceptance of gays, for a conservative society and in particular Northern Ireland, I believe that the model is useful in screening those who are early on their journey of sexual development and whose potential exhibitors of factors associated with problematic sexual identity formation are actually due to immature development as opposed to problematic development). Regarding this figure, 35 reported as stage six (the final stage), 1 in between five and six, and 4 in stage five. Only 7 participants reported in being in a lower stage, with the lowest stage reported being 3.

Participants fell into 4 age brackets (18-25, 26-39, 40-59, 60+) to correspond with being in early adulthood during one of the four eras of modern Northern Irish history: pre-troubles (12 respondents), early troubles (11 respondents), late troubles (13 respondents), and post political agreement (12 respondents). These respondents were ranked on a 5 point scale referring to their exposure to the thirty year period of violence known as "The Troubles" (1969-1998) with zero being the least exposed and 4 having the maximum exposure (4's were given based upon frequent exposure to civil unrest and/or victimization). Ranking on this scale was determined by Interviewer based upon participant responses. Of the total number of participants, 58% reported recollections of significant exposure. As was expected, the older age brackets had higher exposure than the lower age brackets with most in the youngest age bracket being assigned 1. For older participants, the exposure varied depending on what neighborhood the individual grew up in or career paths taken (3 respondents in particular experienced maximum exposure as a consequence of one having been a member of the Royal Ulster Constabulary/RUC, one a member of the British Army who served several tours of duty in Northern Ireland, and one a member of a paramilitary organization).

Geographically, 44 of the respondents grew up in Northern Ireland, with the rest growing up in England and the Republic of Ireland (The English respondent and one of the republic of Ireland participants moved to Northern Ireland at the beginning of the troubles to find work and stayed; The two other Republic participants were born near the border with Northern Ireland and spent time on both sides). Of those raised in Northern Ireland, 22 are from County Antrim (15 of which from Belfast), 11 from County Down, 8 from County Londonderry, 2 from County Tyrone, and 1 unspecified (Counties Fermanagh and Armagh fielded 0 participants).

As to the faith community of the participants, 20 were raised Catholic, 21 Protestant, 4 with no religious identification, 1 mixed (both Catholic and Protestant), and 2 not stating any religious background growing up. Protestants represented a diverse number of faiths with 6 Presbyterian, 1 Christian, 4 Church of Ireland/Anglican, 1 Christadelphian, and 1 Plimouth Brethren, 3 unspecified Protestants, and 5 mixed Protestant faiths (person was either raised with two different faiths simultaneously, or families converted among different sects at different times).

Overall participants were well representative of the general population in terms of geography, religious upbringing, and exposure to the Troubles.

Learning More About Myself...Lessons on Dating Learned on the Ould Sod

It is interesting the things that you learn about yourself, most especially when you place yourself in new environments and situations. Being here in Northern Ireland has been such an opportunity, and I believe that the way I see the world has been changed forever. Despite this expected change, I was not expecting for most of it to be insight into myself, and definitely not within the murky realm of relationships and love.

Now, there is a certain confession I must make….I've always harbored a particular nostalgic and romanticized dream of living in Belfast. Did you all REALLY think it was just about gays and conflict and peace studies? For fifteen years I've silently kindled the fire of 'coming home,' vowing to someday live on the 'ould sod.' Why else would Irish crisps taste better than regular frito lay? Or Deloreans be the most kick ass car ever produced (Yes, the DMC Delorean remains the only car to be made in Northern Ireland…and mechanically/electrically flawed with a good number of them becoming flaming infernos…)? When I last left the island of Ireland, I broke down and cried while walking onto the plane, having felt a connection to the people and land which has eluded me back in Amerikay.

While you're wondering, that dream also included falling in love with a Northern Irish man, marrying, and eventually Immigrating.

Glimpses of this can be caught in portions of my journaling made throughout my life (or at least since 2002, when I first made my trip here). There is an idea that life was on hold and would finally "begin" for me. I suspect that much of this stems from not having had much luck in establishing a long term pairing, and also from what others might have inferred. Certainly the last eight years of constant moving has been influenced in some levels at dating frustration (the seven years of moving before that were influenced not so much by dating, but in problematic sexual identity formation from not being able to accept this part of my natural condition). Portland, Honolulu, Newport, Boston, Salt Lake…it's all been a factor. And in fact, each one of these cities has generally involved moving for the potential of certain individuals (Lee, John, Joe, Adam, J'Myle, etc).

Now that I've been here about two and a half months, the foolish notion that "my one and only" is here seems to have gradually sulked away to the deeper recesses of my consciousness. I feel I'm allowed to start looking at my quest for partners in a different light. Aspects of compatibility, attractions, self confidence, self esteem, comfortability with self and others are being reexamined. And odd patterns are making themselves known.

One such insight is the connection between my musical tastes and the experiences and expectations I seek (or have sought) in dating. My preferred music is as passionate and stirring as possible. For example, Shostakovich is one of my favorite composers. Listening to one of his symphonies brings to mind the Innui of siberia and the crying of Mother Russia for the pain of her citizens throughout the last millennium. Playwrights are the same, with O'Casey, Ibsen, Miller, Kushner, and Flaherty/Ahrens all appearing in my repertoire. It takes angst, complexity of themes, and expanse of the human condition to make me happy. Mozart be damned to the darkest circles of Dante's Inferno, especially his light and flutey airs characterized in Eine Kleine Nacht Musik. Unless it's his Dies Irae, I'll leave it to the more classically appreciative. Give me demons and hellfire! Make me relive my pain and guilt! The depths of human pathos are what I want, and I will pay you any amount of admission for such a show. Maybe that's why I love NPR. Country ballads. Victor Hugo. I'm not emo. I'm just someone who loves the highs and the lows.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with my dating, and the answer is EVERYTHING. My expectations seem to have also come to seek similar emotional rushes in dating. Probably it explains why I have a tendency to harp and go back to those I left behind. I don't think I do it out of a tendency to be cruel. I genuinely liked those guys. If I didn't, they would have never arisen again in my mind (yes, there are those I've dated who fall into that category) and I move on. Despite my pronounced distaste of drama in my relationships, there is this certain form of drama which I indeed play. Not for the sake of drama, but for the complex array of emotions it makes me feel. The more complicated, the bigger the attraction. Probably this is also why guys who I "can't read," or "I'm unsure how I feel," are intriguing pursuits.

At any rate, I believe I digress. Like my choices in music, literature and theatre, I have come to require emotional extremes in the guys I date. This seems to happen at the beginning, mostly facilitated by emotional aids such as settings, ambiance, conversation, alcohol, exoticy, time of day, events, etc. By seeking these early on, I set myself up for the failure of a mainstream, i.e normal, course of day to day life. Dating guys who "live more than 1,000 miles away" also aids in an accomplice faire in this game, preventing me from being wrapped up in the mundane, day to day aspects of their lives. Russell was really the first guy I dated whom I saw on a daily basis (Though to be fair, dating Russell was never a normal experience, the tragedy of his life providing more than enough roller coaster fuel).

What does this all mean? I'm not really sure yet. I am dating here and trying to date differently (not to try to find my Northern Irishman mind you, but just dating for companionship for the time being while I'm here). While I slip into old patterns, I am becoming much more cognizant of why I behave and what motivates me to act the way I do. I am especially aware of the integrity of my own study and set boundaries in place, refusing to date or sleep with any of the participants that I am interviewing (admittedly it is an interesting thing to be conducting research within one's own community, which oft times limits your personal enjoyment).

On sunday evening I found myself looking into the azure blue eyes of a gentleman very different from myself. This was our second date, and following a successful home cooked dinner of New Orleans Gumbo and King Cake (Two of my personal favorite recipes), we neglected to turn on netflix to instead talk for several hours. While looking into the eyes of this very interested gentleman, I felt an intense fear, scared to death that he would find the ordinary, everyday Joshua to be a boring old bore. Yet, remarkably, as I focused on this, I didn't push it away. Instead, I felt the familiar, paralyzing fear and began bending it into a different direction. Observe. Describe. Participate…I think that the time is well nigh that I faced some very deep seated fears.

Northern Ireland a transformative experience? Oh, just wait and see! And just for the record, yes, the Deloran is STILL the most kick ass car ever made. And one which I had the joy of driving for two very brief years. And you can take THAT to the bank!

The Loyal Orange Order Parades

On Saturday I witnessed my first Orange parade. While downtown I passed what at first i took to be one of the seemingly frequent 'flag protests' (expected even more so on the heels of this past week's On the Runs controversy). However, I noticed that uniformed PSNI officers were lining up the main thoroughfare of Royal Ave, indicative of something more. My inquiry of one of them turned out that a parade was expected in a bit, so I decided to hang about to experience it.

The Orange order, or Loyal Orange Order is one of three Protestant fraternal organizations (Black Preceptory and Apprentice Boys being the other two) which have become known in Northern Ireland for the many parades that are staged around the year. Over 300 of them will be conducted between April and August, what is known as "Marching Season" culminating with July 12th, the holiday commemoration of William of Orange's 1690 Victory at the Battle of the Boyne. For many protestants these parades are a visible show of their cultural pride and historical origins. The parades have been going on for hundreds of years, but since the troubles have become lightning rods of controversy. While many lodges have altered their routes, some of the more belligerent lodges have continued to insist on marching the traditional routes which (because of a combination of urbanization and population displacement in the 1970s) now go through heavily catholic neighborhoods or business districts.

The particular parade of today was from the Sandy Row lodge, in solidarity of their brother lodge in Woodvale who have been prevented (in frequent parades and protests) since the last July 12th of marching back 'home.' The original parade's Committee had ruled that while they would be allowed to march down the road, they would not be allowed to return by the same route. This led to a very heated marching season, erupting in violence. Today the lodge is still trying to finish the route, believing it is their right both civilly and culturally. Every few weeks another parade is held, which attempts to complete the march, but in turn, is stopped by police. The cost of shutting down the streets and police presence has been enormous, and several stories in the Telegraph have focused on the inability to maintain such costs in a time where resources are already hard to come by.

For a time, I waited, with nothing in sight. Then came the beat of the drums from far off, subtle, but portending a coming storm. As it gained in crescendo, police started moving into position. When the parade finally came into view down North Donegal Street, phalanxes of about five or six different lodges with several band contingents could be seen. Each lodge was dressed in their traditional orange sash (sans bowler), following behind their respective banner indicative of their home lodge. As the parade turned onto Royal Avenue, the din became deafening, the acoustics amplified by the narrow streets and high buildings. The atmosphere created was intimidating, and dare I even say, slightly terrifying? One little girl beside me backed away in terror, clinging to her father in tears. Here were row upon row of stern faced individuals, marching to military songs of old amidst the deafening beat of drums, defiance in their faces.

The Sash (My Father Wore)

So sure l'm an Ulster Orangeman, from Erin's isle I came,
To see my British brethren all of honour and of fame,
And to tell them of my forefathers who fought in days of yore,
That I might have the right to wear, the sash my father wore!

Chorus:
It is old but it is beautiful, and its colours they are fine
It was worn at Derry, Aughrim, Enniskillen and the Boyne.
My father wore it as a youth in bygone days of yore,
And on the Twelfth I love to wear the sash my father wore.

Chorus

For those brave men who crossed the Boyne have not fought or died in vain
Our Unity, Religion, Laws, and Freedom to maintain,
If the call should come we'll follow the drum, and cross that river once more
That tomorrow's Ulsterman may wear the sash my father wore!

Chorus

And when some day, across the sea to Antrim's shore you come,
We'll welcome you in royal style, to the sound of flute and drum
And Ulster's hills shall echo still, from Rathlin to Dromore
As we sing again the loyal strain of the sash my father wore!

Hiccups in a "process"

Yet another chapter in the process of peace in Northern Ireland. This week it came out like a bombshell in the newspapers that letters had been given to a significant number of paramilitaries wanted for accusations of murders and actions (many going back 20-30 years) by the British government. Many of these individuals have been on the run outside of the country. Much of this came to light in a particular court case of late that fell through on the technicality of one of these letters which essentially granted Queen's amnesty. The outrage has been significant, to the extent that yesterday the first minister, Peter Robinson threatened to resign if the Prime Minister didn't launch an inquiry. Such a resignation would have triggered an election, and while interesting as a political exercise, would have wrecked havoc with an already delicate political landscape. Today Prime Minister Cameron announced the inquiry, so presumably the First Minister is safe from carrying out his threat. Which threat is no real surprise...there is a paranoia on the part of a particular segment of the Northern Irish population who are always looking for signs of the British willing to 'sell them down the river.'

The issue of what to do with those who carried out killings in the name of political expediency (whether Loyalist, Nationalist or Security Force alike) has been an ongoing problem, and one which is common to any country destabilized by insurgency/revolution/independence movements. There are many versions of history here, narratives which depend on the community one comes from. Freedom fighters. Murderers. Victims. The term varies, and no one has yet been able to figure out the best way to come to grips with the legacy of the past. Unlike South Africa and several other situations, no truth commission has yet been successfully launched. There have been some smaller commissions focusing on individual instances (such as Bloody Sunday) which have had some resolution, but for the most part, nothing on a wider scale. A part of the Haas talks at the end of last year sought to broach the possibility of such a larger commission, but was met with large scale resistance and eventually had to be set aside.

There is much pain that exists to this day, and much fear. Yet, risks have had to be taken to move things along, such as the part of the 1998 peace accords that resulted in prisoner releases that effected both communities. These risks, in the name of peace, have for the most part been successful. Justice was sacrificed to lay to rest vengeance, with the recognition that in conflicts such as that went on during the Troubles, there are no innocents. All are victims by time and circumstance, and each story is as valid and tragic as the other. Yes, there may be outrage, and much political posturing is being made of this...but perhaps this is an important step needed to be taken to continue to move things down the path. Where that path may lead is anyone's guess.

Everyone, including myself at times, seems to forget that the peace process in Northern Ireland is just that: a process. A delicate process. A struggling process. A hopeless process. A hopeful process. Each citizen of Northern Ireland sees this process in a different light, with different adjectives reflecting their outlook on life and their experiences. Perhaps I'm just an optimist, and maybe that's my prerogative as an outsider...yet I firmly believe that Northern Ireland is on a track to success. Hiccups such as the ones over the past year and the one in the past few days are to be expected. Smooth sailing is not realistic, and history tells us to expect otherwise. Even the experiment of 1776 has had many problems and took decades (if not a century!) to define itself and its institutions. Rome, and certainly not Washington, was not born in a day...and neither will Northern Ireland!

The complications between theory and hands on Research

First week of full study interviews (meaning, not pilot nor control groups). It has begun, though with some modifications.

The original intention had been to have four pilot interviews, which logistics and scheduling forced down to two. Problems with two of the interviews were as follows: The first interview (P.P.1) had to cancel due to an emergency when we had only just gotten started and was never able to find a suitable time to reschedule, and intended fourth interview (P.P.4) was slow in responding to scheduling requests (second and third interviews occured without any problems). These four had been selected by consultation between myself and the sexual health officer at Rainbow Project who selected the individuals for pilot testing, based upon their experience of LGB&T issues in Northern Ireland, their assortment of age & professional demographics, and the perception that they would be qualified to give constructive feedback on the structure, format and data (both intended and collected) of the interviews. Timelines for this project have aways been limited, with a growing awareness of the mortality of timelines. It has been a constant concern and one of the aspects of the project I had misjudged in the planning stages. Getting established, gaining entry, and field observation took far longer than had been anticipated, despite the sense of having been relatively well prepared.

If one aspect of the project had to be chosen for best executed, it has always been the preparation phase. This portion of the project begun in January of 2013 and ended December of 2013 included extensive perusal of academic, news, and popular literature on Northern Ireland, as well as media. I’m most proud of this and it has been remarked on several occasions that my level of knowledge on the issues present in the culture and political landscape is astonishing.

That said, I could have gone even further by studying sport and games (such as gaelic, rugby, hurling, and football). However, this would have been of very little use in my current project beyond facilitating the gaining entry with more general Northern Irish society and putting me more at ease (like most of the world, sport here is highly valued and in many ways revered as a sort of secular religion. The “high altar of our blessed pitch,” if you will). Had I been interviewing other portions of Northern Irish society this would have been necessary. Thankfully, the stereotype holds true and gay men are less prone to demand sport adherence, though still much higher in the British LGB&T communities than in the US. A week and a half ago, while visiting Edinburgh, I visited a gay bar which was practically a sports bar. It gave me several minutes of confusion as I struggled to determine if I was in the right place, finally discovering I was by searching through the literature for distribution on the wall!

Much of the actual carrying out of the project and the associated problems I’ve found to be the normal aspects of first time research. My grasp of theory was fairly good thanks to my research methods course last semester, however, it is the most practical aspects in the actual carrying out which have been a problem, especially in the understanding of timelines and tracking down, scheduling, and interviewing participants, then processing their interviews. Rookie mistakes. BUT not mistakes that would bias, call into question, or otherwise diminish the academic soundness of the data itself.

While more pilot interviewing would have been preferable, the questions had been screened by several individuals and changes mades upon their recommendations. Some adjustments were also made following the 1st completed pilot interview (P.P.2), but these were made on the basis of flow, rather than function. The second interview completed (P.P.3) was conducted with a mental health counselor whose an expert in Northern Irish LGB&T concerns, that indicated his satisfaction with both the flow and the format of the prompts. I found that the data being obtained was satisfactory and objective, without signs of bias, and decided that further pilot testing would merely pose to delay the project further. It was decided to begin active testing to achieve timetables of interview completion by 31st of March (with the exception of control interviews which will be completed the second week in May).

Beyond the pilot testing cut short, the only other matter which has posed a concern is the time scheduled between participants. Originally an hour was thought to suffice, which was expanded to an Hour and a Half following P.P.3. This was decided to expand even further after the first regular participant, P.1, took 2 hours 20 minutes. The next scheduled interview had taken into account an hour and a half, and was forced to wait 45 minutes. Thankfully, the second participant (P.2) who was the civil partner of P.1 was understanding and agreed to reschedule. It was decided that no less than 3 hours would be necessary between scheduling interviews.

Difficult, difficult day

Today was an extremely difficult and challenging day emotionally. I am meeting some of the most amazing and resilient people I have ever had the opportunity to talk with, and hearing some of the most heartbreaking stories. There is fiction, and then there is reality. Humans are so fragile, yet so resilient. Learning much, but so much more left to learn...

I'm feeling exhausted, emotionally drained. Wondering if I can truly do these stories justice. I feel in awe, that they trust me that much to share such intimate and heartwrenching details of their lives.

Welcome to Belfast...